What New NCAA Teams Might Look Lke

INDIANAPOLIS – A NCAA committee has issued new demands to several colleges and universities across the nation seeking justification for their continued use of offensive mascots, NCAA officials announced today. At issue is enforcement of the NCAA’s new edict against “hostile and abusive racial/ethnic/national origin mascots, nicknames or imagery,” with which schools must abide in order to have eligibility to participate in NCAA postseason events.

The Executive Committee on Making Foolish Pronouncements During the Off-Season, reputed to be the NCAA’s busiest committee, initiated the latest spate of demands. Their purpose is to clarify and expand the NCAA’s position on offensive mascots, said committee head Giselda Knickertwist.

“People seemed to think we were just pretending to be against ethnic and racial mascots in general to justify our harassment only of schools with Indian mascots,” Knickertwist said. “These actions show we’re serious about the mascot issue. It isn’t just meddlesome overkill to compensate for liberal guilt. We swear.”

The NCAA has demanded mascot justifications from several more schools that have identifiably ethnic or ideologically questionable mascots. The committee acted quickly to identify offending schools, Knickertwist said. “We didn’t burden ourselves with investigating the origins of each offensive mascot, and why should we? We never have before,” she said. “What, like we should presume the schools didn’t intend for their own symbols and images to be hostile and abusive? Let them explain themselves to us. We are the NCAA.”

Schools the NCAA committee identified as likely having offensive ethnic mascots included: Alfred University (Saxons), Arkansas, Little Rock (Trojans), Cleveland State (Vikings), Edinboro University (Fighting Scots), Gordon College of Ga. (Highlanders), Gordon College of Mass. (Fighting Scots), Hofstra (Flying Dutchmen), Idaho (Vandals), Iona (Gaels), Iowa Central (Dutch), Louisiana Lafayette (Ragin’ Cajuns), Luther College (Norse), Maryville College (Fighting Scots), Michigan State (Spartans), Monmouth College (Fighting Scots), New Mexico Tech (Pygmies), Northern Kentucky (Norse), Notre Dame (Fightin’ Irish), Ohio Valley University (Fighting Scots), Portland State (Vikings), Southern Cal (Trojans), UNC-Greensboro (Spartans) and Wooster College (Fighting Scots).

But it’s not just race or ethnicity being mocked by schools, Knickertwist said. “Several other categories of individuals are affronted every day by universities being hostile and abusive to them by mascots,” she said.

Among them: gun owners. Knickertwist’s committee has compiled a list of school mascots that are likely gun owners, which the committee thinks may be offensive to liberals, thieves and legislators. They include Appalachian State (Mountaineers), George Mason (Patriots), George Washington (Colonials), Massachusetts (Minutemen), Mississippi (Rebels), Nevada, Las Vegas (Runnin’ Rebels), Oklahoma State (Cowboys), Tennessee (Volunteers) and Wyoming (Cowboys). Some of those mascots even brandish guns openly, Knickertwist said.

“Do you think the NRA [National Rifle Association] members wish to be identified with mountain men, cowboys or American patriots?” she asked. “I bet if you asked them, they’d be offended. I know I would be.”

Another group of schools were challenged by the NCAA for having “chivalrous mascots,” Knickertwist reported, which could be offensive to feminists or to ne’er-do-wells with dastardly schemes. They include: Army (Black Knights), Carleton College (Knights), Centenary (Gentlemen), Central Florida (Golden Knights), Furman University (Paladins), Longwood (Lancers), Rutgers (Scarlet Knights), Vanderbilt (Commodores), Virginia (Cavaliers) and Xavier (Musketeers).

Knickertwist said that feminists are also probably offended by depictions of pirates and raiders because of “all that testosterone and saber-rattling.” So the committee has also demanded mascot justifications from Charleston Southern (Buccaneers), Colgate (Red Raiders), East Carolina (Pirates), East Tennessee State (Buccaneers), Hampton (Pirates), Middle Tennessee State (Blue Raiders), New Orleans (Privateers), Rutgers-Newark (Scarlet Raiders), Seton Hall (Pirates), Texas Tech (Red Raiders), UC-Santa Barbara (Gauchos) and Wright State (Raiders). “The landlubber community would find them offensive, too,” she added.

“Overall, it has been a busy but a very healthy, sensitive summer,” Knickertwist said of her committee’s work. She said she did not expect to issue any more mascot challenges this summer, however.

“I just have one left to write,” she reported. “It’s to the University of Hawaii. I haven’t spoken with anyone, but I can see where some members of the Star Trek community would be offended by the Hilo campus’ insensitive decision to name its teams the ‘Vulcans.'”